Talking to a child about foreclosure

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

Lisa — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 01:14:56 GMT

It is hard with older children as well. We are being forclosed on and I am struggling to handle this in a way that is not tramatic for our daughter. I feel so guilty for the hurt this is going to cause her. It is not the house itself or the stuff in it, we don't have big screen tv's or fancy cars. We bought the house for the excellent school system. Our now 17 year old daughter who is a Junior has worked so hard to do well and is taking all honors and AP classes. She was so happy yesterday because she got her SAT scores back and has researched on her own the different scholarships available to her. She has already held her head high thru so much. During middle school we had to take away her dance and cheerleading that she did for fun because we had to cut back. This lead to her group of girl friends shuting her out of the group. In high school we couldn't afford her cello rental anymore so therefore she couldn't practice causing her to fall behind and eventually giving it up. During a meeting in the auditorium before a orchestra trip the kids were called on to give the serial number for their instrument. My sweet little girl was the only one not to have one. She has not seen even one Christmas or birthday present for two years and does not complain. I know it is hard the day after Christmas when she gets together with the wonderful group of friends she has now to talk about what they got and she didn't get anything. She doesn't even complain. Our house will be in forclosure in 2 days. There are only three weeks of school left and I have no idea where we will be. We cant possibly afford a rental in this school district. We have to have something a lot cheaper to be able to keep our health insurance which is now almost as much as our mortgage and without it my husband would not survive a week. Just the co payments on his prescriptions are $350.00 a month. She already gets nervous at test time and now this is going to be happening during finals and she is going to have to leave the good friends she has and go alone to another school next year. I feel so bad for her and my husband, so tell me how I can tell her and get her thru this without breaking her heart and spirit. I keep telling myself that I have to act like I am in control and everything is going to be ok thinking that she will take my lead if I handle it ok. I have already let her down so much over the years. If there is a way to make this ok, tell me what it is because I don't know. And then if we muddle thru this how do I tell her that no matter how hard she has worked and scholarships she gets that I don't think it is enough for her to go to her dream college. Just tell me what to do please.

Lisa

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

Sean — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:18:47 GMT

This article is a prime example of kids raising parents. Ask your grandparents how they would handle the situation.....

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

RGONZALEZ — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 22:44:49 GMT

While it is sad to lose a home, I really dont have any sympathy for those affected. My husband and I bought within our means, the two boys share a room, and their big sister has her own much smaller room. We owe very little on it. We could have bought a bigger house, bigger yard, more room, but for what. To keep up with the Jones? Right now its the Jones having to move to a smaller place. Not us.

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

ken — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 07:33:53 GMT

It is never too early to involve kids in budgeting and let them know the value of a dollar. When I was 14 we lost our house and my dad was out of work for awhile. I ended up sharing a hide-a-bed in my uncles living room with my dad and we slowly rebuilt from there. I got a job at a gas station and started paying rent and we slowly rebuilt and moved from my uncles to a ratty basement suite (think unpainted kitchen cupboards, made from plywood and unevenly handcut) and every few years moved up to a better place until we eventually got to the level where my dad could buy another house. I've always watched every dollar since then and though at times I'm not sure if it's sinking in have always tried to instill it in my son.

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

Jeanne Mapes — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 00:52:32 GMT

I agree that children should be made aware of family situations. I know loosing a house would be very emotional for the adults, but I suspect the children will handle it in stride. I think sometimes we project our own feelings onto our children, and they can surprise us with their resiliency.

I don't mean to suggest that the children will not have feelings about moving, but I do think it will be harder for the parents to lose something for which they have worked hard. The family unit is always the most sustaining for children, no matter where that family lives.

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

Beebee — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 00:45:37 GMT

We didn't lose a house, but we lost a father and husband, first to an affair and alcohol and drug abuse, and then to death. Kids are resilient. Living in a small house, my son, then 5, and I, and the dog, and the cat, too, frequently were within six feet of each other, and that was how we liked it. He's 10 now, and more often than not, we still find ourselves gravitating to the same six feet of space. We've always been open about our situation, including finances, and whenever we have "lean" times, we know we can simply keep it simple. He talks frequently about when he will be a parent and how he'll teach the same lessons to his kids so that they'll be happy, too.

I have friends who divorced, and the dad was sure that their daughter would hate his little apartment, since the child was used to their big home. In fact, she named the apartment their "cozy little place," and is always bugging mom to let her stay with dad, even though mom still has the "big" home.

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

ChuckinSaskatoon — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 20:26:26 GMT

I'd like to comment on a couple things in this story. First of all, when did "honesty is the best policy" become an obstacle? In my yview, honesty is always the best policy. For sure, tell the 8 year-old child the truth. Even be honest enought to share in truth the same thing that was shared in this article: we made some bad choices, and this is where we are now. Somewhere along the line, we have come to believe the lie that people can't handle the real truth, especially our childrem, and they will be marred for life if we do tell them the truth. BULL!! If anything, it helps our children to see that we as parents are not perfect, we do make mistakes, and sometimes big mistakes at that, and that there are always consequnces associated with any choice we make in life, be it good or bad. We can learn from our mistakes and grow to make better changes and choices for the future. Our kids will see this and see an example in our own lives of the responsibility we need to take when we do make mistakes, and the ownership of those choices. I do not believe that for one second the recent "bail-out" is going to change one single thing because CEO's and Director's have not been made to take personal ownership and personal responsibility for the latest meltdown that came from their bad decisions and choices. If anything, all that has been learned is that if you run into serious trouble, you don't have to be responsible for it - SOMEONE WILL COME ALONG AND BAIL YOU OUT!! Where are the lessons in that? I guarantee that your children will learn greater life lessons if we are totally honest with them. And they will be better equipped as they grow up to understand the corelation to choices and responsibilities! While I won't get into my own personal life deeply, I have shared with my children since they were small about the illegal things I did in my life, the cost it took on me, the consequences of those choices, and the changes they see in my life today. Neither of my children were EVER INVOLVED in the things that I did becuase, as they say, they learned how devastating our choices can be, and they didn't want to make those kinds of choices in life. And by lying to them, especially if they are smart enough to know something is wrong, only re-inforces the concept that lying is the better way out of a situation than facing the cold hard truth of our consequences and taking responsibilty for those choices.

Second, I take exception to the point above that "I'd cement the concept of a home as something you buy and sell....:" The objection I have to this is that a HOME is NOT SOMETHING you buy and sell...a HOUSE...is what you BUY AND SELL. A home is anywhere you are together as a family, regardless of what the structure looks like. A HOUSE is a physical structure and security, and a HOME is an emotional structure and security.

I guarantee that if you keep these simple truths as your foundations for life, there isn't anything you can't weather together as a family, no matter how difficult the situation is that you face!!

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

Sher - mother of 7 and bankrupted 30 years ago and kids never knew. — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 18:31:49 GMT

When will the current generation begin to wake up and take a few lessons from their grandparents about family values?

Children do not need to be involved in "adult situations"; nor do they need to be informed of adult decisions or problems that are not life threatening.

Children need to be allowed to be chlidren for as long as possible. Adult problems are exactly that and nothing else.

If you have lost your home due to your own decisions in life and you need to "move on" and begin again, then do so and take your children with you and make another "nest" for them as best you can. The family that stays together and remains together is a family intact and as long as the children are loved, fed, and cared for and they can continue with their schooling, no matter where they have to go to school, and have friends to play with, that is all that matters.

Adults - keep your kids out of your problems and be an adult about this.

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

Betty — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 18:25:09 GMT

People should buy what they can afford and then they would not have to worry about moving.

re: Talking to a child about foreclosure

Alex — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 17:15:03 GMT

I thought this was a great article because so many americans with children are losing their homes to foreclosure. Like many people, my mortgage was a 2yr ARM and my payments increased. Working in the car business and seeing less people buy automobiles, my income has almost been cut in half. So it has been very difficult for my family to afford our house with the new payment. My wife is expecting our second child and working part-time so we are on a very tight budget. We are now renting our home and staying with my in laws. Even though nobody would rent our house for the full payment of the mortgage, at least they would be paying the majority of it and I would cover the rest. We have sold our second car so that we only have one car payment and living with my inlaws has been helpful during the pregnancy to help watch my son. We plan on paying off all of our credit cards, saving money towards an emergency fund and hopefully refinancing my home in the near future. My son is too young to understand what is going on but is happy living with his grandparents and I think it has made our family stronger and closer going through this tough time. I think this is a time in our country where more families will reconnect and come together during financial hardship. Their should be more articles like this one so people can relate and reflect to know they are not the only ones. Thanks.