The sucker factor: The cost of being unable to say no
Posted
Jun 27 2008, 08:57 AM
by
Karen Datko
This post comes from Trent Hamm at partner blog The Simple Dollar.
Alan wrote in with an interesting situation:
My problem is that I can't say no to people. I am a sucker for Girl Scouts selling cookies. I am a sucker for salesmen at stores. I am a sucker for my church when they need money for something. I am a sucker for friends and family who need to borrow money. I am a sucker for the Green Party or Green Peace when they call and ask for money all the time. I have heard it called "the disease to please" before, and I just wanted you to know how much it affects me not only with a lot of stress and anxiety, but also financially. I don't think I am alone either. ... I am trying to empower myself by saying no to at least one person a day. It is not easy though. I always fear hurting people's feelings or making them angry. Your article today about the left and right brain was fascinating. It got me thinking about other parts of a person's psychological makeup that could potentially affect their spending habits. For me, if I could grow a backbone and say no to people, I would probably save $100 or $200 a month. Sometimes more.
I have some of those weaknesses, too. The biggest one is Thin Mints. Thin Mints are one of my true weaknesses in life -- curse the person who invented them. I also have a weakness for school-related fundraisers. Kids will stop by and sell a discount card that will get you some bargains at local businesses, and the proceeds from the card help out a youth group. I'm a sucker for these, too.
What works well for me is deciding about my giving upfront and then sticking to it. Here's the game plan I use to avoid the guilt that I'm not giving enough to others.
Budget your giving. Each year, my wife and I decide right off the bat that we're going to give a certain percentage of our money to charity -- usually 10% of our pretax income. All of our giving comes out of that amount. We allocate portions to various things, including a set amount for Girl Scout cookies, community fundraisers, school fundraisers, my church, political campaigns, and a few other specific organizations like Iowa Public Radio and Iowa Public Television.
We set this budget in stone. If a good cause comes along, we'll consider it for next year, but this year is locked.
When telemarketers call for donations, I tell them the truth. "I've already decided my charitable giving for the year. I'll keep you in mind for next year." Then I hang up. In fact, I usually knock that charity down a notch because it's harassing me at home with its demands.
This same logic applies for all charity mailings we get in the mail. I just chuck 'em unless they're a charity on our list for the year.
What about salesmen? I ignore them unless they're helping me find what I specifically want. I don't go into a store without knowing what I intend to buy, and I view it as a personal failure to leave with anything else. Salespeople are there to cajole you into buying something not on your list, so just ignore them. If they bug you, just say, "I'm fine," and walk away. If a salesperson is particularly persistent, I leave the store and shop elsewhere. I know that if I listen to them, I might get seduced into buying something, plus they're eating up my time and distracting me from the purpose I had when I went to the store.
I use a similar approach if someone comes to my door. If they're on my list -- like the girl down the block selling Girl Scout cookies or the boy who lives three doors down trying to fund his trip to Mexico with his youth group -- I'll listen. Otherwise, I say "no, thanks" and end the conversation.
That leads into another great tactic: End it quickly. As soon as the sales pitch begins and you recognize that it's not on your shopping or charity list, end it immediately. The longer you stay, the more likely that person will break down your guard. Do it fast and firmly and don't give it a second thought.
It takes practice, especially for tenderhearted people who aim to please. But by not saying no, you're actually taking money away from the things you really care about. Saying yes to the salesman in the store means you now have less money to spend on stuff you actually need -- or on charities you actually care about. Saying yes to the person knocking on your door means you have less money to give to the people you actually care about who need it.
Every time you say yes outside of your plan, you let down something you care about even more. Once you learn that, no becomes much easier to say.
Other articles of interest at The Simple Dollar:
Tomorrow boxes
On saving to splurge
Taking a deeper look at wants vs. needs
