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When should you tell your boyfriend that you're rich?

Posted May 14 2008, 11:19 PM by Karen Datko
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Wouldn't we all love to have this dilemma? Inspired by a letter to the editor at Money magazine, "Flexo" at Consumerism Commentary wonders when it's appropriate to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you're wealthy.

The letter writer apparently had been burned by some guy looking for a sugar momma.

Flexo says, "It's probably not appropriate if you're on the first few dates, but if you're starting to pick out rings or talk about living together, I don't see how these decisions can be made without full financial disclosure."

Still, when exactly should you confess your riches? As a personal-finance blogger, Flexo hasn't had to confront the issue. His girlfriend, "A.," can check out his blog anytime she wants to review his financial situation. (He does keep a secret "A. Fund" hidden in his  savings so he can surprise her every once in a while.)

His readers offered varying opinions. "FrugalTrader" from Million Dollar Journey opined that "once the relationship gets serious, financial compatibility is just as important as any other aspect in a relationship." "The Mighty Quinn" opted for after the engagement but before the wedding. James from Dual Income No Kids has no problem with a money discussion on the first date. Rachel wrote that she and her future husband talked about their finances on their third date.

We like this comment from Stephanie of Poorer Than You: "I think financial disclosure in the early stages of a relationship doesn't have to be about numbers -- it should be about values."

Reader Mike said, "Tell him when he asks why he's signing a prenup."

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Comments

 

Irrelevant as to when to tell.  With the current divorce laws and divorce rates, marriage has become nothing more than legalized prostitution.

Bill (Posted 05.16.08 5:30 PM ) Report Abuse

....makes life easier...give, save, and spend...afterall, u can't take it with you in the end!  What's the worst you waste some and have a couple laughs that brightens up someones day every now and then..big deal... you'll know when the time is right!

Doc (Posted 05.16.08 5:31 PM ) Report Abuse

I dont think numbers need to be tossed about, but letting someone know that you have a good salary and are comfortable is good. The other half then will not be concerned about one of them becoming a financial burden on the other.

Michael (Posted 05.16.08 5:31 PM ) Report Abuse

Just make sure that if you tell him your rich that you really are.  the fact that your parents are rich does not necessarily mean that you are.

jeffsd (Posted 05.16.08 5:31 PM ) Report Abuse

I dated a girl for 3 years and we discussed money and we have pretty good disclosure about debt and salaried income.  I have a bonus structure that is out of hand sometimes where my $80k salary is not too bad and in line with her $100k salary as the owner of a graphic design firm.  However, in recent discussions when we were going through a break up it came out that I frequently had bonus income between $200k and $300k each year.  Same sensible house, not new cars, nothing fancy at home but big dollars in investment portfolios over those 3 years and no debt.  She was in awe when she found out but everything up to that point was truthful with regard to salaried income as I did not want the other to sway the sentiment or be a driver for the relationship.  I would suggest holding off as long as possible and make sure that you have long term feelings for the person before letting the proverbial cat out of the bag.

Myles (Posted 05.16.08 5:32 PM ) Report Abuse

... of course its always useful to mention if your pending nuptuals involve a large dowery from you father.

jeffsd (Posted 05.16.08 5:33 PM ) Report Abuse

I say not until you are living together or are getting to a serious point where you think you will get married. I am not 'rich' per se but have a good-paying job and don't flaunt it. I prefer that a man loves me for who I am not what $ I have. I agree there are quite a few male-leechers out there looking for 'sugar-mommas.' Been there done that. Not repeating it!  LOL!!!

Libra in Denver (Posted 05.16.08 5:35 PM ) Report Abuse

I think that, more importantly than the saver/spender thing, is how people view coming upon money. If you value hard work and this person's had everything handed to him/her on a platter, you might have conflict, especially when it comes to how to raise the kids. Even if we were filthy rich, my kids would have jobs in high school and wouldn't get new BMWs for their 16th birthdays.

I think that it should be discussed when you start really considering getting married. No real reason to get engaged, start making wedding plans and putting down deposits, only to find that you aren't compatible after all.

Not like money is everything but where it relates to personality, it's important.

Nikki (Posted 05.16.08 5:35 PM ) Report Abuse

Jedidiah,

Please email me, i'd like to learn more about you and your families.  Sounds like a great way to rock AND roll.  

NOT................

Don't talk finances until someone somewhere has made a commitment.  I date a girl that is doing well and although I know she does well, she's an art dealer, I guarantee I don't care about her financial statement.  Things are good.  The best thing is she has a killer wine collection at her house.  Apparently things work, i'm no schlep but i'm no Don Trump either.  Her house is twice as big as mine but she doesn't care so why should I.  

Back to my boy Jedidiah.  Dude, if you are for real, RUN NOW.

MMA Junkie (Posted 05.16.08 5:37 PM ) Report Abuse

My brother married for  love, then found out his wife was thousands of dollars in debt, and had no clue how to manage money. Money became a serious enough issue to split them up, leaving my brother in a hole that he married into. Both partners in a relationship (if it's serious) shoukd know each other' financial situation. In the case of she's rich, he's not, she should find out what his financial and personal values are, and determine if he's mature enough and comfortable in his own  masculinity to put the relationship first, and her finances second. If he can handle that, then they may work as a couple and make even more money together.

Jazz4life (Posted 05.16.08 5:38 PM ) Report Abuse

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