My daughter got married without going broke
Posted
May 12 2008, 12:45 PM
by
Donna Freedman
Rating:
Yesterday my only child, Abby, wed her sweetheart, Tim. Today they are frolicking in Florida. They achieved both happy states without breaking the bank. I recount this to encourage other young couples who wonder if they can "afford" to get married.
Well, of course you can afford it. Marriage licenses are cheap and so are civil ceremonies. If by "afford" you mean "can I go into debt to satisfy other people's expectations" -- well, that's a question that only you can answer.
For some people, nothing will do but a $30,000 extravaganza with live music, extravagant food and an open bar. Others can't handle big-ticket nuptials because they are already dealing with student loans or consumer debt, or because they'd rather put that money toward a home.
I think you can stick to a budget and still get married in style. But it's up to you to set that style, rather than let wedding planners and bridal magazines tell you what you want. Or, more to the point, sell you what they want.
About a month ago we ran an item called "A fabulous wedding for under $5,000." I found a few of the reader comments somewhat troubling. A reader posting as "Lily" said that you shouldn't "cop out on your guests, unless you plan on not accepting a gift. … You need to provide a pleasant event or don't have one at all."
Another reader, "Rachel," wrote that one's wedding "will and should be the best day of your life." Refreshments should "be of the best quality and be top of the line," and should include free alcohol. "It would be terrible to think five years later, 'I should have done it differently,'" Rachel wrote. "You should have the wedding of your dreams!"
We all dream differently
The best day of your life. The most important day of your life. You have no way to ensure your wedding will run smoothly. If you need this to be the best day of your life, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. And other days might possibly be more "important." How about the day you were born? The day you met your soul mate? Maybe it will be the day you have your child. Or the day you win the lottery. Weddings have enough baggage. Why add to it?
I should have done it differently. Regrets, we've all had a few. But regrets over an afternoon wedding and a light repast vs. an evening extravaganza that lasts until last call -- such things should not affect future happiness. Why would the amount you spend on the ceremony determine the success of the marriage? It seems to me that the opposite could be true: If you start out your marriage deeply in debt, it would add a lot of stress to what is a joyous yet challenging life transition.
Unless you plan on not accepting a gift. Wedding gifts are optional, folks. They are not tickets of admission. (That said, I always give a gift, as a symbol of my good wishes.) Nor should you compare what each guest spends with what you think you were "owed" based on how much you spent per plate or per drink. And finally, providing "a pleasant event" does not automatically equal spending $30k -- ask anyone who's ever been to a bad big wedding or a joyful small one.
The frugal hack wedding
Abby and Tim had been working hard to pay off consumer debt resulting from uninsured medical care. They didn't want to go back into the red, but they also wanted family and close friends to enjoy the day with them. That meant finding ways to keep costs low.
A recently ordained relative performed the ceremony. Both the wedding and reception took place at a social hall that another family member procured for free. Its no-alcohol policy made the choice of beverages pretty simple: sparkling cider, soft drinks and bottled water.
They served sliced meats, cheeses, potato salad, vegetable trays, five kinds of fresh fruit, rolls, crackers, hummus, salsa and chips. Most of the food and drink were paid for with gift cards earned through MyPoints and by transferring a prescription (for the third time). About $90 out of pocket paid for everything else.
A friend contributed a beautiful cake as his wedding gift. On top was a vintage ceramic bride and groom that Abby bought for a quarter at an estate sale. (She later found this figure selling for $45 on an Internet auction site.) Estate and yard sales also turned up serving pieces and decorations for as little as 50 cents apiece.
On the tables were scattered Hershey's "Bliss" chocolates -- appropriate for a wedding -- and Ghirardelli chocolate squares. The Hershey's candy was free after rebate; I got the Ghirardelli free by trading in inkjet cartridges.
Abby and I each obtained additional credit cards that started us off with 20,000 miles. We charged almost every purchase we made for the next year and, for the $75 annual fee, wound up with their airline tickets to a low-key, theme park honeymoon. (Canceling the cards shouldn't be a problem since neither of us is in the position to buy a home anytime soon.) They searched hard on the Internet for the best park deals and for an extremely cheap hotel room with a kitchenette.
The total frugal hacks are too numerous to mention. I've probably forgotten some of them, since they've been planning this for almost two years. But the money they saved let her have some girly splurges, such as a professional makeup artist ($65), pedicures for her bridesmaids ($17.95 each at a beauty academy) and an elaborate wedding gown ($500 from a cancer charity; I contributed $250 toward the cost). Abby also hired a photographer for a few hours instead of relying on shutterbug friends and family; I don't know how much that cost, and she's on a roller coaster somewhere so I can't ask her.
Many hands make light work
This kind of wedding isn't for everyone. But guess what? They are now just as married as the people who drop a small fortune on nuptials.
In this economy, I think a whole lot of people may have to go with a handmade wedding. But "handmade" doesn't mean "second rate" any more than "expensive" means "quality."
It took a dozen friends and family members to pull this off. That made the wedding more special, since we all had a hand in making sure Abby and Tim had a memorable day. And we were working with our hearts as well as our hands.
