Investing in yourself: Build self-confidence
Posted
May 02 2008, 12:11 AM
by
Karen Datko
This post comes from Trent Hamm at partner blog The Simple Dollar.
As I sit down to write about the value of investing in self-confidence, I keep picturing one of my closest friends. She's got a lot going for her, but she often finds reasons to think that she's a bad or unworthy person. She often doesn't have the self-confidence to step up and grab the ring, even though her talents have entitled her to it.
I'm introverted, but I'm very lucky to have never really doubted myself. I'm pretty confident in my own abilities and thoughts, and I rarely hesitate to express them. Yet, at times I fall prey to a lack of self-confidence -- for example, when things move toward a topic I don't know anything about.
Here are tactics to improve your self-confidence no matter what's happening around you.
Recognize the things that make you feel less confident and work on them. For most people, there are specific occasions where one's self-confidence drains to an absolute minimum. You feel completely unworthy of being in a particular situation and you shrink away or fail to step up when the opportunity is there for you.
Ask yourself why you don't step up to the plate, and keep asking until you get a concrete answer. What is the root cause of your lack of self-confidence? For a lot of people, it's something that can usually be dug out with introspection. For others, it may require some professional help.
Once you've found a specific, concrete thing that diminishes your self-confidence, work on improving it. If you're self-conscious because of your weight, work on improving your diet and exercise. If you're self-conscious because of your appearance, practice better hygiene and dress better. If you're self-conscious because you lack knowledge or technical skill, use your spare time to hit the books. Be proactive and know you're doing what needs to be done to solve the problem.
Identify your successes and keep them in mind. At the other end of the spectrum is the success you've experienced in life. These successes are usually the result of an application of your natural abilities -- abilities that are quite strong and quite valuable.
Make a list of your greatest successes. What are five things you've worked for and accomplished? Maybe you completed your college education, or maybe you finally passed organic chemistry. Maybe you were given an award at work for persistence and diligence, or maybe you nailed a long-desired promotion. Make this list and keep it with you.
Recognize that these successes were the result of a lot of positive attributes that you possess. The items on that list were the result of talents and skills that you possess -- persistence, intelligence, studiousness. See if you can identify a few traits for each one that helped push you over the edge. These are strong attributes that you already have.
Maximize your focus on the things you know you're good at. Once you've figured out what your strengths are, the next step is to find activities that maximize those strengths. If you're a patient person, long-term projects are great. If you're very good at graphic design, gravitate toward those projects. At the same time, try to minimize projects that don't match well with your strengths. For example, if you're terrible at organizing papers, look hard for ways to minimize paperwork.
Working on the things you're good at will not only hone your skills, but it will improve your confidence. You'll begin to feel that, yes, you can contribute things of value to society and to your workplace. If you continually fuel that feeling, your confidence will begin to slowly build and spread to areas where you're not as blessed with natural gifts.
Suggest to your supervisor that you focus more on the tasks that your skills point you toward and less on the ones your skills don't support. It won't take long for you to feel a big new surge of confidence about your place in the workplace. At that point, start tackling some of the tasks you don't feel as confident about. You'll find that you will address them in a whole new light.
Surround yourself with people who build you up, not tear you down. For a period of time in my life, I had a group of friends who were extremely negative about everything. They were critical of everything outside of the group and were often quite negative toward other members of the group as well. I enjoyed the sarcasm in the moment, but later I would feel pretty awful about myself. One of the best things I've ever done in my life was to move on from that circle of friends.
If people in your life bring you down, create some separation. If your current social circle leaves you feeling negative, withdraw a bit and see if you can find other sources of socialization.
At the same time, if someone in your life is often very positive and fills you with a positive feeling as well, spend more time with that person. My current circle of friends and family supports me in a positive fashion. They'd do about anything for me and I for them. While my trusted circle isn't very big, it is very valuable and positive, and I attribute a lot of the success I have in life to its constant support.
Stick to your core principles and values. Many people face a personal dilemma at some point in their lives. Do I do what others suggest I do, even if it involves abandoning some of my principles, or do I make the choice that's in line with my own values? Choices that involve abandoning your values will leave you feeling far worse about yourself and your confidence in the choices you make.
If you're about to do something that is setting off warning bells and flashing lights for you, strongly reconsider that choice. Step back and think about why you're making that decision. If those reasons are deeply disconcerting to you, don't go forward with it.
Trust your heart over your mind. I've found that when it comes to the root of a decision, my heart is usually guiding me the right way. My mind serves to clear the path for my heart. For example, when I stood at the precipice of the decision to quit my job, my heart was telling me to leap while my mind said "No!" I decided to trust my heart, and then I let my mind do as much preparation for that leap as it possibly could. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made, and it filled me with a lot of confidence once I made it.
If you don't know, say so. This is a common self-confidence destroyer: Someone will ask a question, you give an answer you're unsure about, and afterward you feel as if you've done something wrong. At one of my previous jobs, I was in a position where I felt I had to do this regularly, and by the time I finally left I felt completely worthless.
Think about it from the audience perspective. Saying "I don't know" is much clearer than delivering a factually incorrect answer. Even if your answer reveals the limits of your knowledge, it also reveals that you're committed to accuracy, that you're honest, and that you're not going to load someone up with a nonsense answer.
If someone asks a question and you don't know the answer, it's always better to offer to look up the answer and deliver it to that person. Not only will this educate you, but it will give you an opportunity to show that you follow through with what you say.
Act confident, even if you're not. If all else fails, putting on an appearance of confidence helps you feel more confident. Try the following tips:
-
Sit up straight in meetings. Don't look bored. Take notes on what's being said.
-
Shake hands firmly. Look people in the eye when they talk, but don't stare at them. Do the same when delivering an answer. Make eye contact with as many people as you can without being obvious about it.
-
Be assertive in your answers. If you know the answer, deliver it firmly. If you don't know, state that you're unsure but do it firmly.
Most of all, notice when you do things that don't exude confidence and try to correct them. If you're slouching, don't slouch. If you're getting bored, start writing something down that will engage your mind. If you're offered a handshake, take it and shake it firmly; if you're not offered one, offer your hand. These are signs that you are confident, and when people start reacting to you as though you have confidence, your own true confidence will grow.
Other articles of interest at The Simple Dollar:
"Investing in yourself: Personal growth"
"Investing in yourself: Feeling good"
"Investing in yourself: Socializing and networking"
