The costs of having children
Posted
Mar 14 2008, 09:20 AM
by
Karen Datko
Rating:
This post is from Trent Hamm at partner blog The Simple Dollar.
Recently, I had coffee with an old friend who was torn over the decision to have a child. His spouse wants a child, as do his parents, but he doesn't feel ready to take that leap.
I told him I thought he should stick to his guns on the subject, and he looked at me with a mix of shock and relief. He was sure I was going to try to talk him into having a child, given the value I've found in being a parent.
But I made it very clear to him that there are a lot of deep costs to being a parent, and you need to be fully sure of your choice before stepping up to the plate.
The best decision I have ever made in my life (other than, arguably, the choice to marry my wife) was to have children. My toddler-age son and my infant daughter are two of the true high points in my life, and I genuinely enjoy every minute I get to spend with them. The best part of my average day starts when my son comes in the door and shouts "Dad!" and we then play a loud game of Marco Polo from wherever we are in the house until we meet up, usually in the living room or kitchen.
Many parents who experience this joy often tell others how wonderful it is and encourage them to have children of their own, and I understand why a person would make that recommendation. I deeply enjoy fatherhood, and it has added incredible value to my life. Why wouldn't I want that same value to be added to the lives of my friends?
Yet, I generally encourage people not to become parents. The joys of parenting come with a great number of costs, and those costs really add up. If you're not ready to fully commit to the costs, then you should wait on parenthood.
The financial costs of children are well-documented. You should expect to spend a quarter of a million dollars, all told, on your child by the time he or she walks out the door. That's a lot of cash. But it's not the only cost:
-
Time. Let's say you spend an average of three hours a day on child care over 18 years. That's almost 20,000 hours, or 821 days around the clock, or 2.25 years of around-the-clock time devoted to child care.
-
Freedom. Especially in the early years of a child's life, the ability to pick up and do something on the spur of the moment is gone. You can still go out sometimes, but it comes at the cost of finding a baby sitter you trust and also working with that sitter’s schedule.
-
Experiences. With three hours out of an average day suddenly gone, you find yourself with a lot less time to enjoy other pursuits. Your schedule becomes hard to synchronize with others' as well, leaving you with much more limited opportunities for hobbies and other activities.
-
Career advancement. Career advancement is still possible, but climbing the ranks after the birth of a child often means spending less time with the child and not forming as deep of a bond. You end up feeling pulled in a lot of directions, and it's quite stressful.
-
Marital stress. To a point, you lose some of the time you used to have to bond with your spouse. You're also injecting the dynamic of a new person into the core of your life. Feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, confusion and jealously will float through the marriage when a child comes along -- and you have to be strong enough to make things work through these changes.
That doesn't mean that I think becoming a parent is a bad move. It's not. The message here is: Don't let anyone use peer pressure or social pressures to convince you to become a parent. If all of your friends are having children, that's not a reason to become a parent. If your parents are hinting about grandchildren, that's not a reason to become a parent. If your spouse is getting anxious, that's not a reason to become a parent.
The one reason, the real reason, to become a parent is because you truly want to. You'll know it if you do. If you read that list of costs above and still keep thinking about a child, you should probably have one. If you find yourself thinking a lot about adding a child to your life and the thoughts are positive, you're probably ready.
If you're not genuinely committed, though, children are not worth the costs. They demand -- and deserve -- your full love, attention and care, and that comes with a very high cost, one that many people, unfortunately, are not equipped to pay. The investment comes with a fair return (a well-rounded young person whom you helped to raise) only if you truly feel the calling to become a parent.
In short, if someone is trying to convince you to become a parent and you don't feel it, don't make that leap. The cost to you -- and to that child -- will be very high, and it's not fair to either one of you to expect you to pay it when you're not ready.
Other articles of interest at The Simple Dollar:
"The financial implications of a third child"
"Should I send my child to day care or should one of us be a stay-at-home parent?"
"The financial implications of a second child"
